Dental Floss Pt 3 - You're pregnant! But........

Pregnancy - and more...

------------------------------------
This is part 3 of my blog series on the road to having our child
Introduction: Right Here
Part 1 can be found: Right Here
Part 2 can be found: Right Here
Part 3: *YOU ARE HERE*
Part 4 can be found: Right Here
Part 5 can be found: Right Here
-------------------------------------

Pregnant!

    So, as was previously mentioned in the last post our plan for having a child was that once we exhausted all chances of IUI's working we had our first major fork in the road.  Did we want to move on to the adoption process or go down the IVF road.  Also, as previously stated, we knew we wanted to adopt at some point.  So adopting now could be two birds with one stone.  I don't care how pro-adoption you are, adopting your first child incurs very strange feelings.  I know I personally wrestled a lot with myself.  Thoughts like "does this mean I am turning my back on chances of ever having a child of my own flesh and blood?", "Am I even allowed to have thoughts like that, does it sound selfish?", "I just want to be a father so why does it matter by what means I get a child to take care of?".  In the end that last question was the one that reverberated the loudest and brought me at ease.  In the end the process is forgotten and the focus quickly shifts to that being your child, so why fret it?  However, due to Margarets other conditions and the proverbial "ticking clock" of a woman's body with her conditions we were pretty sure, but not positive, that we would try for IVF.  If it failed it would be devastating but we were willing to take the chance.  We had found an IVF program that would enable a significant refund (not complete but roughly 60-70%) if we did not take home a baby, so that even protected us from miscarriages.  It seemed the best bet for IVF.  It was still expensive though so we agreed to about a 4-6 month period of just straight saving money and we'd revist the topic at the end of the saving period and make our final choice.

    I quite clearly remember the morning.  I was sitting here at my computer and Margaret came into the office with a pregnancy test, shaking.  In disbelief showing me that it claimed she was pregnant.  I wish I could say I was overcome with unspeakable joy at this moment and it was a holy grail time when the heavens opened and a chorus of angels blared horns and sang all around, but it wasn't.  Don't get me wrong, I was a little blown away with happiness, and I asked if she had ever seen a false positive before (I hear it happens, though personally I've never tried.).  She said no, and the idea started to sink in that maybe there was something to this.  So over the next couple days she took more tests, in many different ways and they all kept coming up positive.  Now we're talking!  Despite all the good outcomes I still had a hard time getting excited.  After being burnt for almost 3 years on this topic it was hard to believe that it was just that easy.  I don't like to be a pure skeptic because a famous lady named Debby Downer and her sister Negative Nancy were notoriously skeptic and no one wanted to be around them so I was trying to tread lightly on the skeptic line.

Confirmation

Given all we had been through to get to this point we wanted a doctor to see us right then and there.  We wanted all the tests, bust out the sonogram machines, get me some x-rays, schematics, re-position the satellites, get everything ready because we need confirmation!  Of course, satellites remained in their geosynchronous orbit and were not relocated on our behalf.  We called the doctors office and they would not see us for another 4 weeks.  "WHAT?!"  did they not understand?!  WE MIGHT BE PREGNANT!  It was at this point we realized, "oh, we're normal now!" no pregnancy gets to see a doctor this early.  Normal.  What a fun concept that was.

    So we passed the time waiting for that first doctors appointment.  We went in and got all setup, started the sonogram and there she was:

This was real, and it was happening.  Since I am human just like you I couldn't exactly tell you what the look on my face in this moment looked like, but I imagine it was a healthy dose of excitement mixed with disbelief mixed with joy.  Then came what has been to this day, my favorite part, *wump wump.... wump wump... wump wump... wump wump*.  Hearing that little ticker rock it's socks off evoked some indescribable feelings.

    Leaving that appointment felt great, though we had seen too many people struggle through pregnancies and miscarriages to be able to celebrate too much.  So we tried to keep our excitement contained.  We had a few celebratory moments.  For example, in an effort of making light of our struggles back when we were going through infertility treatments and on a particularly bad day I bought a container of Rocky Road ice cream, because I am a fan of comedic irony.  Needless to say, I made a point to finish that ice cream off now that our road was feeling more smooth.

Still Growing

The feeling of reality only grew as we proceeded to successfully make it through the dreaded 1st trimester.  We got to spy on our kid another time and she was looking preciously awesome:

At one of these follow up visits we reached my new favorite part of the process.  Not just getting to listen to her heartbeat but watching it beat.  The clarity of the sonogram machine simply blew me away.  You could so clearly see all the chambers of the heart and see it pumping away.  There was so much in this moment that floored me.  The technology behind making this view possible and just nature and the reality of all the work that tiny little heart no bigger than my finger tip was doing.

A Discovery

At our third visit to the O.B.'s office we found out gender and discovered we were having a little girl.  She was polite enough to make discovering that fact quite easy:

During this visit there was a very distinct point in time when the nurse got quiet, real quiet.  She kept cruising around with the sonogram wand like she was looking for/at something but we didn't know what.  The thought even went through my head "Hmmm, she stopped narrating what she's seeing."  Though eventually she covered and said "Ok, I was just doing some routine checks on things." and moved on.  We had no reasons to doubt her.

    Also during this appointment they had been trying to get a good 3-D sonogram picture of her face for us but our baby (affectionately temporarily referred to as B.B. for Beta Block, or Baby Block) decided to fall asleep with both her arms shielding her face and they were unable to capture a good 3-D shot.  So as we were leaving they made brief mention of wanting us to schedule an appointment with the Perinatal office, for reasons which they said was because they had better equipment there so they just wanted them to check everything over.  Again, no signs of alarm or concern.  We happily scheduled and went about our business as we were clueless to exact what a "Perinatal" office handled.

    The Perinatal appointment day came upon us and because we had just been to the O.B. I decided I wouldn't go with Margaret to the appointment because what new could they discover in a weeks time?  We thought this trip was routine.  A decision I'd later come to severely regret, as anyone would when hindsight reveals leading a lamb to a slaughter.

    

    What happened next was again, one of those moments I'll never forget and everything about it is seared into my memory.  It's part of this story I couldn't wait to write out for the simple fact that this will mark the last time I need to recall it in such clear detail.  

The appointment was off to a rough start for Margaret, she had been texting me that they were taking forever to see her and then when they did see her everything was going very slow and taking WAY longer than expected.  She was slipping into a very bad mood and this was keeping her away from work far longer then she expected.  So after one of her texts of frustration she called me, I was in the bedroom putting clothes away, because that's what you do when you realize how bad of a day your wife is having.  I tried to answer the phone humorously because I knew she'd be in a pretty foul mood.  I answered but all I could hear was sobbing and some mumbling of words I could not comprehend.  My first immediate thought was something happened with work, like she got fired or something because she had been gone so long, and I was OK with that, we could work through it.  Then through the mumbles I recall making out the words 

"found ... can you .... something .... soon .... just get here".  

I heard the doctor in the background say "Do you want me to talk to him?" and she handed the phone off to him.  As he started to speak I realized this was not work related.  I struggled to comprehend the situation as well as pay attention to what he was saying because something was clearly very, very wrong.  I remember asking the doctor for the address to the office probably 2 or 3 times, even though I already had it written down the first time. I just didn't know what to say or how to react but I remember most of what he said:

"Hi Mr. Block?  This is Dr. ------.  In our exam we've discovered 

something strange.  It appears your daughter has some brain matter 

and other fluids leaking from a hole in her skull.  

It certainly is very strange.  

We would really like you to get here

as fast as you safely can."